Thoughts on Relating

Indeed, it is quite possible to learn about oneself while sitting crossed legged in a dark cave all by one's self. But we learn so much more about ourselves while in relationship with others. A synonym for relating is reference, because we use the other as a reference upon which to shed light on our self. One could easily be deluded into thinking that they are the embodiment of poise and serenity, until they come into contact with another being, who happens to push the right buttons to set one of.
It is in relation to others that we find out who we are. So instead of avoiding others or erecting barriers which don't allow for true contact, i think it makes more sense to learn to dance with the different kind of ways that people will relate with us. Because different people reveal different parts of us,  and the more emotions they bring about, the better for our purposes of uncovering the depths of who we are. Although it is sometimes preferable to turn away from some unhealthy ways of relating, we must remember that it is not simply because our interaction with another, makes us uncomfortable that it is not an acceptable way of relating. In fact, sometimes when we remain in that uncomfortable space we begin to learn how to connect with this person and this also connects us with part of ourselves that we hitherto ignored. Thus our shadow has an opportunity to reveal itself. There is a difference however between being out of our comfort zone, in relation to another being, and feeling that something about how we are relating offends some deeper part of us. Although even the latter reveals something about a previously unknown part of us, perhaps in this case it helps us form boundaries informed by a deeper sense of who we are. If left to unconscious reactions to emotional discomfort and vulnerability, we risk avoiding situations and people who, if stayed with in a state of mindful awareness could lead to inner growth and an expansion of our comfort zone. The alternative would be to carry with us feelings which we will be inclined to project upon the other, blaming them for that which has risen up within our own shadow.
It is very common that the very thing that we avoid is what we need to grow and expand our level of connection with others and our very self. It helps to at least have a few people who one trusts, and with whom one can fully be oneself and safely both expose and discover the depth of one's being. But first one needs to be open to staying connected and aware while feeling reasonably out of their comfort zone until one begins to feel acclimated to what may be happening at a more subtle level. And from this deeper level of connection, deeper ways of relating begin to present themselves and thus deeper aspects of our selves become revealed.